So FWD made me tacos tonight and brought me home some orange juice. We had a lovely trip to the store, some UNO playing, and enjoyed watching some Brisco County Jr. Just some of the highlights of a pretty fantastic day. In general I don't think I've had a really bad day in a while- perhaps it is simply because I have everything a little bit more under control.
3 and I are to see each other tonight, and I'm not positive I want to pursue things. A lot of which has to do w/ my recent discussions w/ FWD. No, it's not what you are thinking. It was about our past relationship, and all the crazy shit I did. I just don't want to be responsible for that happening again. I want to remedy the bad I did so that I, and whoever I am with in the future, can move forward w/out incident. I don't know if 3 can help me with that. I need to take some time and figure that out.
Additionally, here's why- and please understand, I think 3 is a wonderful person. However, I have not seen him in the last week and half, and though he has been proactive with calling, he has not been proactive otherwise. I have been suffering significantly recently from a really brutal cold. I have been sick w/ it since last Monday (the 29th) and it only got progressively worse. While I was out of town for the weekend, several individuals who DID NOT go out of town with me, have managed to successfully make me feel better this week. I was given juice by two people, FWD bought me some soup (why he's my favorite roommate currently, amongst other reasons such as tacos and UNO), and been given pain relievers by others. I suppose I just expected him to step up to the plate and do something proactive like offer to bring me soup. However, even when I suggested he bring me soup he simply did not reply and comforted me w/ a "get well soon" mentality.
I suppose perhaps I expect too much, but I was really sick. Even by his own standards, I sounded like I was dying.
I guess that when I suffer from a mental disorder(s), I notice when individuals are not proactive in caring for one another. Additionally- I have suffered many serious illnesses, some that required surgery. I'm not really attracted to someone who will maybe send a get well card.... if I'm lucky.
However, more importantly, I feel I am a very strong personality, and he is not. He is shy, and while I hate to hold that against anyone, it is something significant. I want to be challenged, and while I experience a girlish attraction to him, I often fear I may be too forward or argumentative for his tastes. I am very opinionated- which you probably know since you read my blog.
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F and I haven't talked. I want her and I to remedy things, but based on her blog, her away messages, and her facebook status(es), I'm not sure we are ready for that. I have no intention of apologizing and I fear that she does not either. While I feel I understand her perspective, I do not feel she understands mine. Further, it is less about what happened and more about preventing it from happening the future.
Most importantly, I want to be able to trust F, and right now I don't think I can. I hadn't said anything in my blog about her, or our argument until last entry, which I didn't include her name and simply alluded to it. Meanwhile- despite my ORIGINAL complaint that started the entire argument, (she told someone else, and potentially others, something personal that I told to F and her roommate in confidence), she has told someone else all the details of our argument. I don't know why she assumes that because she doesn't keep secrets that others would as well. So- my desire to talk to her has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY since noon today when I found out that she has been continuing her gossiping ways.
I blog. However, I do not try and feed the rumor mill. Additionally, I think it is wrong to expose something someone said in confidence to my roommate that I just happened to butt-in on to others. Further, I think it is wrong to try and make that someone's other friend(s) feel bad for not having the information I dishonorably garnered and pretend to know more about that someone than their other friends. I think it is wrong to then refuse an apology, finally concede and give a backhanded apology, and then not change my ways by turning around and telling ANOTHER mutual friend all the details of our private argument.
I do not think that is the biased perspective of my own. I think it is the situation, in the blandest most non-skewed facts I can muster.
I am not ready to apologize, nor do I have anything to apologize for except for perhaps some "uncharitable" comments made only after I was accused of being "uncharitable."
F, if you read this, and you still want to work things out, call me. Do not facebook message me, IM me, email me, but call me. More importantly- stop talking to Emilie or anyone else about it before you talk to me. Yes, I do know. I know a lot more than you give me credit for, and I am tired of things being said behind my back. You are costing yourself valuable credibility right now.
Goodnight.
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